Managing Conflicts

Conflict with those you care about isn’t easy for anyone. Different people have different responses to conflict. You may avoid it, confront it, or suppress it.

Not every conflict you have with someone is worth resolving. That would take too much energy. So the first step is knowing which relationships are important to you and the ones worth working on. Then we can start the work of learning to manage conflict better.

Managing conflict in relationships is not always easy, but we can learn how to approach conflict in healthy ways.

How Do You Approach Conflict?

To know how to manage conflict, it’s best to start with how you approach it. This is where it helps to know all about your personality. I recommend starting with my Personal Growth page first. Once you know all about you, you may have a clearer understanding of how you approach conflict.

If you’re still unsure, or don’t have the time to learn about yourself that in-depth just yet, simply answer this question: How do you react to stress and conflict?

Non-Confrontational

withdraw / avoid
accept / submit

Confrontational

take control / dictate
challenge / attack

We generally fall into one of these categories by default, but it doesn’t mean we always respond this way to everyone and in every situation. This just gives us a general starting point.

How Does the Other Person Approach Conflict?

Conflict takes at least two people. Of course, you can have internal conflict, but we’re addressing relational conflict. So, you know how you approach conflict, but how does/do the other person/people approach it?

This question might be harder to answer. But let’s pick one person you’re having trouble with right now. Is that person confrontational or non-confrontational with you?

If you’re able to answer that question for both yourself and the person you are having conflict with, you’re off to a great start. You can check out my Communication Styles page to learn a little more about why it may be hard to communicate.

Working Together

Of course there could be a lot more going on than simple communication styles, though that often is a big factor. Conflict also happens when certain needs aren’t being met, when we don’t feel loved, when we’re reactive and defensive and don’t know how to express our pain. All these aspects and more can make conflict management a lot harder.

In my posts, I pair different personalities together to better understand what kinds of conflict two types of people might have and how to overcome it. But for now, I’ll leave you with a simple tool that I hope you’ll find helpful.

If you’re feeling hurt, angry, stressed, etc, try communication this way:

I feel [blank]
I need [blank]
I want [blank]

If the other person is feeling hurt, angry, stressed, etc, try your best to put aside any personal feelings and listen to their pain or frustrations. Maybe even ask:

How do you feel?
What do you need?
What do you want?

This may be easier said than done, but relationships involve listening, compromise, and communication. In a healthy relationship, two people see the need of the other person and try their best to meet that need without sacrificing too much of themselves.

Learn more about managing conflict from my latest posts below.