Whenever the people we care about are tackling something difficult and need a little boost in their life, it can be hard to find the right words to help them. That’s because different words and actions are meaningful to all of us. But don’t fear! The Enneagram is a great guide to knowing just what to do or say to help someone you care about.
The Situation
One of my closest friends just took her Bar exam – the state bar to become a lawyer. I think it’s super impressive. She just finished three years of law school, which might’ve been the hardest years of her life. On top of that, she planned her wedding and supported her now husband with the loss of his dad. It’s been a lot.
There have been many stressful times for her these past three years, so this huge exam was just one more thing. Each time a new obstacle came her way, or she felt completely overwhelmed, I was one of the people she would call to feel better.
We’ve all been there. Sometimes life gets super stressful or full of many obstacles that seem hard to overcome. We can get stuck in our heads, or jumping into unwise choices, or become completely scattered. Through it all, it feels so important to have someone who can help you through it.
But cheering someone up through a stressful time is not always easy. You want to make them feel better, but how do you do it?
Well, it helps to know their enneagram type. Let’s look at how to spot each type and how to give them a great pep talk.
How to Spot Each Type
When each type is facing an obstacle, they react differently. Here’s a quick overview of what they may be experiencing:
Type 1
They are more likely to breakdown in private, but you might notice some over-perfectionistic tendencies. They’ll also be more melancholy and negatively introspective.
Type 2
They feel rejected easily and can fall into pity parties. Under great stress, they can become very pushy.
Type 3
When they don’t achieve something, they don’t feel very good about themselves. When stress causes them to spiral, they’ll fall into apathy where they say no point in even trying anymore.
Type 4
This type goes through existential crises often. They often tend to feel something is missing, but this is amplified when stressed and they’ll try anything to fill the void.
Type 5
Under pressure this type lacks concentration and can get into angry fits. They’ll want to isolate because they don’t have the energy for anyone or anything.
Type 6
This anxious type has already thought of every worst possible outcome for whatever they are going through. Yet the more stressed they are, the more they’ll want to be perceived as doing great.
Type 7
This type lives for pleasure, so stress and related bad feelings are pushed aside as much as possible. When confronted with facing these feelings, they’ll become more rigid, self-righteous, and nitpicky.
Type 8
This type is triggered by feeling a lack of control over themselves or their situation. Normally a type that takes action, under stress this type thinks more and does less, sometimes falling into tunnel vision.
Type 9
This type becomes stressed with disharmony and conflict, often reacting with apathy. When stressed, this type will start looking for the worst in everything and be hyperaware of what could go wrong.
What to Say to Each Type
When someone you care about is under stress, sometimes some well placed words from a friend or loved one can go a long way. Here are some words you can try:
Type 1
Give genuine compliments about the way they do things.
“I love the way you get the details right.” “You’re so good at helping me with that.” “That was perfect.”
Type 2
Show them appreciation and love.
“Thank you for helping me with this.” “I don’t know how I would’ve got this done without you.” “You’ve worked so hard on that – why don’t you give yourself a break and we can do some self-care.”
Type 3
Let them know you are proud of them.
“I am so proud of everything you’ve accomplished!” “I’m also simply just proud to be your friend.” “Look at how amazing you are for doing all that you do.”
Type 4
Don’t try to fix anything. Simply listen and let them know they are understood.
“How are you feeling today?” “You’re feelings are real and valid and I’m here for you.” “There’s nothing wrong with you. You are simply wonderfully unique.”
Type 5
Give them plenty of space to recharge, but also let them know they are not a burden.
“I will be here when you need me.” “What you have been learning is so interesting.” “I know you will find a way to figure out this problem.”
Type 6
Make them feel safe and supported.
“Do you want me to go with you when you face this problem?” “I know you doubt yourself, but you always end up making good decisions.” “Let’s figure out how to solve this problem together.”
Type 7
Join them in their ideas, but also ask how they are really feeling.
“This new project seems exciting! But is this a distraction for something?” “Let’s slow down for just a bit to talk about what’s going on.” “Are you sure everything is okay?”
Type 8
Be straightforward and direct, but also allow them to be vulnerable with you.
“You look very stressed about this. What’s going on?” “I’m going to give you my honest opinion.” “I would still like to hear about how you’re feeling.”
Type 9
Ask questions, be patient, and don’t pressure them.
“What’s on your mind?” “Why do you think you feel that way?” “What do you need from me?”
Digging Deeper
When you have a friend or loved one who is going through something stressful, it can be hard to find the right words to say. I hope this template helps.
The words above are carefully picked to be instantly soothing to the person hearing them. If anything, it’s a great place to start.
If you’re unsure what their type is, you can try experimenting with different affirmations to see what clicks with them the most. And if that doesn’t work, it never hurts to ask questions gently and to sit and listen. There are some types that need more proactive solutions, but most are fine with figuring it out themselves.
I have tried variations of the above statements on my friends and family, and they do really help. For me as a Type 9, I know that being asked questions when I’m stressed (or just in general) is so helpful.
The friend I mentioned at the beginning of this post is a Type 3, so I always try to make her feel accomplished a proud whenever she’s upset. I point out everything she’s accomplished so far and how amazing she is. She may get a big head, but at her low times it’s worth it.
Even when you don’t know what to say or do, know that if someone is coming to you when they’re going through a difficult time, it’s because you’re someone who has already done enough for them. You’re the person who makes them feel safe, or whose opinion they respect and value. So, at the end of the day if you can’t remember anything from this post, just remember to trust yourself and keep being there for those you love.
Found this helpful and want to learn more about the Enneagram? Check out my Enneagram and Resources pages for more info!
The Human Connection 