Sometimes you can go through life feeling different and like no one understands you. This is completely relatable, and is also a very common experience for Type 4s. It can definitely apply to other types as well. It’s hard to have a relationship with yourself and others if you’re always feeling misunderstood and like you don’t belong.
A character who relates to that feeling a lot is Sadness from Inside Out. Let’s look at how she grows into someone who has found a sense of belonging.
Sadness: Type 4
If you haven’t seen Pixar’s Inside Out, the premise is that everyone has five core emotions in charge of our personality: Joy, Sadness, Disgust, Anger, and Fear. Each of these emotions is a character in Riley’s head.
At the beginning of the movie, Joy is predominantly in control and doesn’t want Sadness doing anything. She even tries to put her in a sadness circle, which I think plenty of people out there can relate to (I know my old roommate can).
I, however, adore Sadness, both the character and the emotion. In the movie, she’s this pathetic melancholic character who’s bossed around a lot. No one takes her seriously or listens to her ideas, because what good can sadness do?
Though the character who finds her the biggest nuisance is Joy, I think Sadness also feels like she’s just in the way.
Though all the emotions are unique, Sadness is the only one who feels like she doesn’t belong. The other emotions don’t understand her or her importance, and that leaves her isolated and lonely even though she’s always surrounded by others.
Sadness is a Type 4 on the Enneagram, and not a particularly healthy one.
Type 4s at their best are profoundly creative and self-aware. Type 4s are the most emotional type, but healthy Type 4s are emotionally honest while also able to transform their experiences into beautiful works of art.
Unhealthy Type 4s, like Sadness, are full of negative talk and can be pretty depressed. They are moody, full of self-pity, and often envious. They are constantly searching for some missing piece they think they lack, as if they are broken.
How to Know if You’re a Type 4
Type 4s are known as the Individualists or Romantics. If you’re a type 4, you know you have a deep well of emotion inside of you. They are the deepest feelers. You may even think that you are your emotions, but this is just a place for growth.
Type 4s are definitely unique and prefer being so. As much as they want to belong, they also don’t want to conform and be like everyone else. Their sense of self is incredibly important to them.
One of my Type 4 friends has always been on a journey of self-discovery since I’ve known her. This makes sense because Type 4s are always trying to find themselves. She spends her life being original and creative while striving to figure out who she is in every stage of her life.
Yet, on the unhealthy side of Type 4s, I have another friend who when I met him confided in me that he never planned out his life because he never saw himself living past 25 years old. He had no intention of killing himself, but he just had this feeling he wouldn’t get that far. He is now 27.
I recently joked with him about what he’s going to do now that he’s lived longer than he thought. He lightheartedly said that he guesses he should start thinking about the future.
Like Sadness, Type 4s can be very melancholic. My friend who thought he wouldn’t live long also believed he wouldn’t be missed if he were gone. That’s completely untrue, but this is the darker and sadder side of Type 4s.
If you’re a Type 4, you may be on a continual path of self-discovery, or you may live your days in comfortable melancholy. You are not afraid of sadness and other heavy feelings. You welcome them like old friends. You may even enjoy spending considerable amounts of time with them.
Your relationship with your emotions allows you to value authenticity, passion, self-awareness, creativity, and self-expression. You are highly intuitive and can be described as wearing your heart on your sleeve. You are also tenderhearted and feel things deeply.
But you may also struggle with being too sensitive, particularly to criticism. Some may say you can be temperamental and irrational at times. Internally, you struggle with envying what others have, whether it’s their status, close relationships, or anything you feel you lack and don’t know how to get.
Though it’s not explicit, I think Sadness envied Joy because she was so useful to Riley. Joy also greatly valued herself, and Sadness did not see the value she brought to Riley or anyone.
If you are a Type 4 wondering, “Why do I feel so misunderstood?”, let’s see how you can grow.
How to Grow as a Type 4
Being misunderstood is painful. So, the first thing I must point out is that you are unique, but you are not flawed. There is nothing wrong with you. And there is nothing anyone else can give you that will make you whole or more valuable. Like Sadness, you have importance that only you can provide.
I love Sadness. I think she’s such an important emotion, and by the end of the film, she realizes that too.
My favorite part of the movie is when Sadness is comforting Bing Bong. Bing Bong is Riley’s imaginary friend from her childhood and he just lost the rocket that him and Riley built together. Joy tries to cheer him up, which doesn’t help at all. Then Sadness comes and sits with him. She joins him feeling sad about his loss. After a good cry and a hug, he feels better and is able to get up and continue their mission.
During this part, Joy is trying to stop Sadness from comforting Bing Bong because she thinks she’s making things worse. Sadness probably even agrees that Joy is right, but she continues to stay true to who she is. She goes to Bing Bong naturally, using her intuitive empathy to join him in his feelings.
Type 4s are not always sad. They feel an array of emotions, but something they excel at is joining others in their feelings as well. They don’t shy away from emotions that many people may not want to deal with it. They really meet you where you’re at.
And I think this speaks to where Type 4s most need to grow. If you are a Type 4, you have a superpower, probably many. Maybe you don’t think it’s useful, or maybe you don’t know where you belong, but that doesn’t mean you’re any less important.
I think one way to do this is be objective with your feelings. A contradiction I know. But taking a step back from your feelings, realizing that your feelings are not you, but instead something that changes often, is a good step. It doesn’t mean not feeling. But rather recognizing your feelings are telling you something about yourself in this moment, but not telling you who you are.
For example, you are not your depression, or victimization. You are not your feelings of self-worth. You are not your flaws. You are you, and all these feelings will pass.
The next step would be to be more objective with yourself. You may be full of negative self-talk, but those words do not define you. Again, take a step back to see yourself from an outsider’s point of view. What would others see when looking at you?
For my Type 4 friends, I see empathetic and talented people. One of my Type 4 friends uses her emotions to help her in acting. Another one uses his passion to be a good Bachata dancer.
What is valuable and significant about yourself? Where are you useful or talented? What do you contribute to others and the world?
If your answers to this are all negative, try asking someone else and discover how they see you. We don’t grow on our own. Reaching out to those who love you and see your significance is a great thing to do when you’re feeling lonely and misunderstood.
Digging Deeper
Type 4s fear being flawed and insignificant. It makes sense to me that near the end of the movie when Joy is looking for Sadness, Sadness runs away saying, “Riley’s better off without me. I only make everything worse.”
The reason Sadness says these things is because throughout the whole movie Joy has made her feel insignificant. This culminates to a climax of Joy abandoning Sadness because Riley needs to be happy and not sad, according to Joy.
Joy makes Sadness feel like she is not necessary, but this also touches on how Sadness has already been feeling about herself.
Another way to put this fear is, “Would it matter if I were gone?” Sadness comes to a point where she believes it wouldn’t, which is the realization of one of the worst fears Type 4s have.
However, by the end of the film, both Joy and Sadness realize the value Sadness has. She is a needed emotion to help Riley feel after her emotions have been turned off. She’s needed to signal to her parents that she is not okay. This in turn allows her parents to begin to comfort and resolve what’s been going on with Riley which then brings her joy.
This makes me think of my friend who thought he wouldn’t make it past 25 years old. I think he truly thought it wouldn’t matter if he was gone, that maybe it would make no difference to the world or anyone really. I hope he sees things differently now.
Type 4s are full of creativity and empathy. Just like we need Sadness as one of the emotions in our brains, we also need Type 4s.
I think Type 4s are the best at giving us art and beauty. I think we lean on them when we need a shoulder to cry on, or simply someone to listen.
If you’re a Type 4, maybe no one will ever truly understand you. Maybe you are very different. But you definitely don’t have to keep being lonely.
You are valuable and important and belong somewhere special. It’s okay if you don’t see that yet or haven’t discovered where it is yet. Just know that of all the types, you are the best at self-discovery, so as you grow, you will find so much value in yourself just as you are.
The Human Connection 