How to Affirm Others With Your Words

Love Languages

Love Languages are simply preferences for how we receive and show love. Using someone’s love language can help them feel fully loved.

Serena and Josh: Words of Affirmation

It was pointed out to me that Serena and Josh affirm each other a lot. I hadn’t noticed, but then I realized I see the difference it makes in them. Serena is the best version of herself I’ve ever seen, and though I’m sure there are a lot of factors, I think being in such a secure and affirming relationship plays a big role.

So what does it like when they affirm one another? Well, they have a positive opinion on everything the other person does. I know Serena to be a pretty sensitive person, so I’m sure it helps that her partner actively praises her and stays positive, and she does the same for him.

For example, while talking about their professional lives, they both spoke encouragingly of the other person’s profession. Serena spoke with praise about the hobbies that Josh is good at, but not in a bragging kind of way. I could tell that she genuinely liked certain qualities about her boyfriend and that she wanted others to see what she saw. I thought that was beautiful.

When they were telling me about a Halloween party they hosted, they both took the time to acknowledge the work the other person contributed. Serena would tell me that Josh was really tech-savvy with the lighting, and then Josh would say that Serena’s decorations looked really cool.

I’m not sure what either of their love language is, but it’s clear that they use words of affirmation very well and that it positively contributes to their relationship. Let’s see what we can learn from them.

How to Give Words of Affirmation

Giving words of affirmation can be one of the simplest things you do. It is often as simple as a compliment, but can go much deeper.

Encouraging Words

Encouraging words can be used when someone is insecure and doubting themselves. Let them know you believe in them, or point out the qualities they have that will help them succeed. Do they have a dream they are discouraged about? A test they failed? A relationship that is struggling? The most important thing you can do with your words is empathize.

In Gary Chapman’s book The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts, he explains, “Encouragement requires empathy and seeing the world from [their] perspective.” You are trying to use your words to communicate, “I know. I care. I am with you. How can I help?” You are trying to show that you believe in them, and also give credit and praise.

Kind Words

Using kind words has as much to do with our choice of words as it does with our tone. It is choosing to be gentle, instead of lashing out. It is shielding the other person’s feelings, even if you need to be honest about something unpleasant. Kind words take into consideration how the other person will receive what you are about to say.

Most importantly, kind words are the opposite of mean words. This is obvious, but if you kept track of how often your words were mean or kind, which one would win? Perhaps it varies by day and person. Mean words try to hurt the other person. Kind words are meant to make them feel cared for.

Humble Words

Humble words has to do with making requests instead of demands. If there is something you need from the other person, asking nicely is a basic standard. But this also means that you’re not expressing entitlement to your desire or need. You are using your humble words to communicate that the other person is capable of understanding and being responsive.

Humble words affirm the other person’s worth and abilities. So, if you have a roommate who doesn’t wash the dishes, nicely asking them to load the dishwasher is better than passive-aggressively commenting on how they never wash the dishes. Asking them is communicating that you believe they are capable of this task instead of belittling them for not doing it. How they respond to your request is entirely up to them, but you can choose to use humble words.

How to Know Someone Needs Words of Affirmation

So now you know how to use your words, but what about who to give them to? How can you tell when words of affirmation will be meaningful, or if it’s better to speak with your actions or physical touch?

What do you need?

The easiest way to find it is always simply just to ask. If your friend is down and having a bad day, or your sibling just got dumped, or your significant other is struggling to find a job, it never hurts to ask, “What do you need?” Sometimes they will know. Other times they won’t.

If there is someone close to you that you want to know how to help, you can always ask them what their love language is, or direct them to a quiz if they don’t know.

Try it out

If for whatever reason neither of these is an option, then my next suggestion is to use your affirming words and see how they respond. You may see someone immediately light up and be completely receptive. Or they remain closed off. However they react, using affirming words isn’t harmful. At the most, it’ll simply be ineffective. So why not try?

Several Occasions

Words of affirmation can be helpful in so many situations. If someone you care about is feeling down, your words can lift them up. If they just achieved an accomplishment, your words can acknowledge them and show praise. If they are struggling, your words can help push them forward.

There are so many instances we can use our words to affirm others. Just as long as you remember to remain kind, encouraging, and humble.

Digging Deeper: Why You May Struggle With Your Words

I’d say the first step is to figure out what is holding you back. Perhaps you don’t use kind words while fighting. Maybe you have ill feelings towards that person. Or maybe it has nothing to do with the other person. You can be angry. Feel empty. Feel like you have nothing positive to give. Or you’re just not used to using affirming words, because no one has ever used kind words with you.

When I think about Serena and Josh, I think about how natural it was for both of them to affirm each other throughout the evening. It didn’t seem like effort or something they were particularly conscious about. But when it doesn’t come natural, it’s something we have to become aware of.

Though I know the value of words, I’m not always the best with them. It is incredibly hard to say kind things when I’m feeling angry or resentful. I never intentionally say cruel things, but unkind words definitely slip out without me giving much thought to what I’m saying.

Unkind words slip out the most when I’m resentful. If there is something I’ve been holding back, or something that hasn’t been resolved, it’s harder to be kind. I think this is relatable for a lot of people. But acknowledging why it’s hard to use words of affirmation is just one step.

Next, it’s important to think about the effect your words will have. When you have unkind words for someone, how will they feel after those words are spoken? Will they be hurt? Angry? Belittled?

Maybe your words wouldn’t have hurt you so much, so it’s important to really consider how the other person will take it. You could be less sensitive, or maybe you’re about to touch on an insecurity they have that you don’t have. Either way, your words are going to have some kind of impact. What kind of impact do you want your words to have?

It is never okay to desire your words to hurt another person, but perhaps you’re trying to express your own pain and anger and just want to be understood. This is understandable. So after you think about what is keeping you from being kind, and then what impact your words will have, there is one last question. What do you want your words to accomplish?

Are you trying to be understood? Are you trying to be supportive? Are you trying to get a point across? I know a lot of the time our good intentions can have the opposite impact. Perhaps you desperately want the other person to see something that may be hurting them, but you criticize them to get your point across. This will often not have the desired effect.

If you instead learn to be positive and encouraging, you’ll most likely see the result you’ve been waiting for.

Using words of affirmation is not natural or easy for everyone, but it is definitely beneficial to everyone.