It’s not always easy dealing with people. In fact, relationships are often very difficult to navigate. There are so many conflicting personality types, and every one comes with their own set of baggage.
One such issue that comes up often in relationships is criticism. Anyone can be critical, but Type 1s are known for this trait. If there is someone in your life who is often criticizing you, let’s learn how this can be managed and where it comes from.
The Situation
I have a friend whose dad is always criticizing him and his siblings. He says his dad wasn’t always like this. He’s always wanted things done a certain way, yes, but he wasn’t always so critical.
My friend says that when he was younger, he would confront his dad about his criticism, but this only made things worse. Apparently, his critical dad hated being criticized. Eventually, he learned to ignore it. But this isn’t something that’s so easy for everyone to ignore.
Different personality types, and people of different healthiness handle criticism differently. Some take it personal. Some brush it off. Some fight back.
Chances are that however you’ve handled it, you have come across people who just criticize you a lot. No one likes that.
Here’s the thing, you can’t change others (though there are some personality types betting they can), but you can still find a way to cope and manage a relationship when you are being treated a certain way.
If it’s a relationship you want to walk away from, then of course go ahead. But as for my friend and his siblings, I don’t think they want to walk away from a relationship with their dad. I have a feeling they probably just want a way to have a better relationship with him.
My friend’s dad is a Type 1 on the Enneagram. If you have a type 1 in your life, let’s try to understand where they’re coming from.
How to Spot a Type 1
Type 1s at their best are the highly moral and upright people in society. They are the ones we admire because they have such a definitive assertion of what right and wrong is, and they try their best to live up to these ideals.
One of my best friends is a Type 1. She’s always looking for social causes to be involved in, she volunteers a lot, and as a hobby she does beekeeping. She is a bit of a perfectionist and has a weird thing about being clean (like can’t go a day without a shower even while camping). We’ve both agreed she’s a pretty healthy Type 1.
Ironically, she’s been dating an unhealthy Type 1. He is far more critical of himself. He’s been trying to apply to be a cop, and with each application they spend hours together going through various short answer questions because each response has to be perfect. And not just perfect, but they have to meet his standards, which are far higher than anyone else’s.
Her boyfriend is prone to criticizing her a lot and often tests her to see if she’s a good person. At the same time, he spends a lot of time and energy trying to also be good.
This is the core of who Type 1s are. They have a strong desire to be good and fear being bad.
Their desire to be good also involves a lot of perfectionism. They have high standards and expect a lot from themselves and others. At their worst, Type 1s are self-righteous and intolerant. They believe only they know the truth, or what is right and wrong.
This leads particularly unhealthy Type 1s to criticize a lot. Healthy Type 1s seldom or never do this, at least not in ways that make others feel bad.
If you have a Type 1 in your life that criticizes you a lot, know that their inner critic is far worse than what they can ever say to you.
How to Resolve Conflict
It’s important to know that Type 1s will do a lot for you. In relationships, they believe in bringing their best self forward and try to be good partners, friends, parents, etc. However, if their criticism ever becomes too much for you, let’s examine what to do about it.
Let’s start with what not to do. As hard as this sounds, don’t criticize them back. This won’t be helpful.
Type 1s have a harsh inner critic which constantly hounds them every day. Anything you say will just add to this.
My uncle is also a Type 1 and he spent many years criticizing me until I felt very small. It was very hard to deal with this, but eventually, I came to pity my uncle. I knew that as hard as he was on me, he was so much harder on himself. His head must be an awful and sad place to live.
So what can you do? Well, as counterintuitive as this sounds, the first thing you can do is acknowledge all they do for you. Maybe you don’t have to do this while they’re criticizing you (though there are definitely ways you can), but find time to show them you appreciate their efforts in the relationship, or even how they are as a person.
For example, I know that my uncle came from a good place of trying to make me better, and I know he desired to better himself as well. He did things like volunteer at church, attended Bible studies, and gave generously. In fact, that’s one of the things he’s known for in my family – he’s incredibly generous. He believes giving to others is the right thing to do, so he very willingly does what he can.
Acknowledging these attributes about my uncle and reassuring him that he does a lot of good things can definitely help calm his inner critic. When that inner critic is calmer, then so is their outer critic.
Next, when addressing a Type 1, be direct but kind. They are sensitive to criticism, but they also prefer to know how to better themselves.
When my Type 1 best friend had her yearly evaluation at work, her biggest complaint was that she was praised too much (odd I know). She wanted them to tell her what she could be doing better.
Own up to your own mistakes before addressing theirs. This transparency allows Type 1s to admit their faults as well.
Lastly, be patient and compassionate.
I know, all these things can sound hard when you are the one being criticized, but you are only responsible for your own growth, not theirs. What you can do is create a space for both of you to grow in the relationship.
Digging Deeper
If these resolutions seem hard for you to do, it may have to do with your enneagram type and/or level of growth.
If you’re a Type 1:
You may be inclined to criticize back. You’ll also be very rigid about who is right about whatever it is being criticized. At the same time, you’re probably trying to meet their standard of whatever improvement they want for you, which can be very stressful and negatively affect your mental health.
If you’re a Type 2:
You will probably take their criticism personal and think that you are unworthy of love. Their criticism will make you feel rejected. You may also be inclined to criticize back in order to “help” them.
If you’re a Type 3:
Criticism may make you feel like a failure or worthless. You work hard to make others proud and if they are not appreciating it, this will really upset you. If someone doesn’t think you’re great, then you’ll either try to earn their validation or be completely done with them.
If you’re a Type 4:
You are highly sensitive and criticism makes you feel awful about yourself. You might become more temperamental and irrational. You will not take the criticism as advice for growth, but instead see it as a personal slight that they don’t like who you are, so why bother with them?
If you’re a Type 5:
You can take criticism as someone else thinking you’re incompetent, and you desire being a very capable person. You don’t want to feel incapable, so you may fight back against their criticism or completely walk away to not deal with it.
If you’re a Type 6:
You will become defensive with criticism, especially if you are being criticized publicly. If you feel cornered, you may react combatively. You already feel anxious about a lot of things. Hearing criticism does not help.
If you’re a Type 7:
You will not want to deal with any criticism. You’ll more likely want to plug your ears singing “I can’t hear you” rather than deal with anything that can upset you. Criticism can make you feel stressed to the point where you simply won’t want to be around that person any longer.
If you’re a Type 8:
You are ready to confront the situation. You don’t want anyone making you feel small or not in control. You don’t take that from anyone. You are completely ready to be aggressive and combative.
If you’re a Type 9:
Criticism brings out your stubbornness and makes you withdraw. You want peace and harmony between the two of you, but this can take the form of altogether avoiding the situation and building resentment until you explode.
Final Advice
Whichever Enneagram type you are, it’s important to be aware of how and why you react the way you do. No one likes criticism, but we do react to it differently and for different reasons.
No matter your type, or the type of the person who is criticising you, the above still applies. Criticizing is not a singularly Type 1 problem, they just do it better than most. We also all relate to each Enneagram types to various degrees, so it’s still entirely helpful to approach criticism with the above steps.
Take a breather for yourself if needed. Then acknowledge the positive qualities of the person criticizing you. Be direct and kind. Own up to your mistakes. Don’t forget to be patient and compassionate.
The Human Connection 