The Clingy Partner – Understanding Your Anxious Attachment Style

The Situation

Remember that time you went out with that really nice person but they were SO clingy? Well, here’s my story.

Years ago I dated a guy who I’ll call Jon. We met on a dating app and on our first date he took me to a fancy vegan restaurant in the arts district in Los Angeles (I was vegetarian at the time).

Even though we both knew he didn’t have a lot of money, he wanted to really treat me and ordered all this extra stuff and paid for everything. We had just met, so it was a little weird he was spending this much money on me, but I was still grateful. He made sure to tell me he spoiled every girl he was with.

Two weeks into dating, I went on a road trip for a couple weeks. I kindly indicated that when I’m on trips I like to enjoy the experience (so basically I wouldn’t be talking to him a whole lot). He seemed to understand this. Until he didn’t.

I remember exploring the streets of Chicago with my best friend and getting a text from Jon. Then another. And then another. I tried to let him know I was out and about exploring and having fun. The boy did not leave me alone for the rest of my trip. In fact, I had to start ignoring him half the time. The more I ignored him, the more he wouldn’t leave me alone. I could tell he was getting scared. And I was getting annoyed.

At some point, we tried to have a mature discussion about how I needed space on my trip. He acknowledged he understood, but then seemed incapable of leaving me alone. He was constantly checking in and even just sending “thinking about you” texts and I wanted it to stop. These acts are sweet, but not ten or more a day.

As soon as I got back I ended things with him and he didn’t want to let me go. He was devastated when I walked away. It had only been a month.

How to Spot an Anxious Attachment Style

Looking back, I can now see that Jon had an anxious attachment style. It was obvious from how much he freaked out by the physical distance, time apart, and then me ignoring him. He got clingy. Clinginess is not an attractive look on anyone. It’s also a sign of anxious attachment.

Everyone has an attachment system that activates according to our situation and the people around us. In dating, our attachment system is activated by what our partner does or says.

Early signs with Jon included how he wanted to pay for an expensive meal even when he didn’t have the money for it and we hadn’t known each other long. It’s not a bad sign when someone wants to treat you to something nice, but in this scenario along with other signs, it was obvious his motive behind the act was that he was desperate to keep me around. It’s entirely possible that the reason he “spoiled” all the girls he’d been with was so they wouldn’t leave him.

Bigger signs occurred when there was distance between us. A secure person, especially this early in the dating game, would have allowed me the space to enjoy my trip and possibly checked in once a day or so. But Jon’s activating strategies were triggered by the distance, and then by me ignoring him.

How to Resolve Conflict

It’s not impossible to date someone with this attachment style, and in fact, there are tools you and your partner can learn.

If you have an anxious attachment style, you’re activating strategies can be triggered by anything that makes you fear losing the relationship. Activating strategies are actions you take to reestablish closeness with your partner, such as being clingy.

It’s similar to the way a baby cries when they want their mom. We learn activating strategies from infancy to not lose each other so that we can survive. However, how we learn to establish closeness is not always healthy.

Clinging to a partner is a way to keep your partner near, but is ultimately not the healthiest or most effective way to keep them around forever. As in my case, it drove me further away.

If you are newly dating, I say run (and fast) because the clingy partner has a lot of work to do on themselves. Just my opinion.

But for established partners, or simply for someone that you really want to make it work with, there are ways to assure the anxiously attached partner.

The clingy partner is simply afraid of losing the other person. Oftentimes, reassurance that this won’t happen can go a long way.

For example, if I had wanted to continue dating Jon, I would have checked in with him more often. If I would’ve texted him a little more, he may not have felt so anxious by the distance. I could have called him every night to tell him how my trip was going. I could have sent him “thinking of you” texts here and there and all of this would have assured him that even though I’m far, I’m not going anywhere. We’ll still be okay when I come back.

Alternately, if you are the anxiously attached partner, it’s important to understand that distance doesn’t necessarily mean the end of the relationship. Especially after I and Jon talked about giving me space to enjoy my trip, if he would’ve left me alone, I most likely wouldn’t have ended it when I returned home. This was exactly his fear, but his anxious actions helped drive me to that point. Understanding your partner’s boundaries and giving them space when they ask for it is completely healthy. You’ll be able to reconnect again afterward.

Digging Deeper

Anxious attachment can often be traced to childhood. It’s very likely you had a parent who was unpredictable. You never knew what to expect from them, so you feared losing their love often. Or maybe you did lose a parent and this lost a significant attachment in the formative years of your life.

If you went through your life secure, but then got involved in a serious relationship with someone who kept you guessing all the time, this can also result in you developing an anxious attachment style. Maybe you fell in love, but this person always kept you at a distance. They allowed you to get a little close only to run far away and leave you always questioning whether you had their love.

Whatever the reason, you learned to fear losing closeness, intimacy, and love. Your reaction to this was to fight any way you knew in order to get it back.

This can happen in so many unhealthy ways that are very counterintuitive. Clinginess is just one response among many.

Your attachment style is the reason you rushed into the relationship in the first place, probably without even questioning if this person is right for you.

As is the case with Jon, we didn’t know each other very well yet, but he was quickly very attached and devastated when we were over. It had nothing to do with how much he liked me as a person. He was just the kind of person who desperately wanted to feel close to someone, so his standards for this closeness were less important.

In his mind, he probably believed we could make it work, even though he hadn’t known me well enough to determine if I was the person he wanted to make it work with. Maybe I met a small criteria, enough for him to dive in and not want to let go. Maybe he didn’t know when he would have this again. And by “this” I mean closeness or the possibility of any relationship.

Attachment styles happen on a spectrum, meaning you can be more or less anxious. If this is your attachment styles, you can still learn how to ease your own insecurities and lower the amount of anxiousness you feel by separation until one day hopefully you’ll be secure.

There are many ways to do this, but I think the best way is to get into healthy relationships, and it doesn’t have to be romantic ones. It’s entirely possible you have relationships in your life that you do feel secure about. Focus on those. Why do those relationships feel secure? How do you act and feel in those relationships? And can you bring those qualities into a new relationship?

A clingy partner oftentimes just needs reassurance. What are some ways you and your partner can provide this?