Can you relate?
You are always the one who wants to help. You want everyone to get along and have a good time, and you personally want to do what you can to make this happen.
People like you because you’re such an empathetic, warm, and outgoing person. You’re a pleasure to be around. However, if someone doesn’t like you, you really want to know why? What’s not to like? You’re so likable! It kind of hurts that someone wouldn’t like you.
It’s particularly a struggle for you when someone you care about disagrees with you or criticizes you. It feels like rejection. You don’t even know how to handle this, and often will avoid any conflict with them.
Perhaps you care a little too much about what people think of you. But doesn’t everyone care what people think of them?
What’s going on?
If you relate to the above, there is a good chance you are an ESFJ, otherwise known as a Consul or Provider.
It’s normal to want to be liked and appreciated, but if you’re an ESFJ you probably desire this more than most. Because you are also quite sensitive and very in touch with your emotions, it also really affects you if you don’t feel like someone likes you.
ESFJs have many great qualities and are often the ones bringing everyone together. They are practical, loyal, warm, and good at connecting with others. They love giving back and being of service to others. They have a deep sense of community, wanting to bring people together and being helpful in practical ways.
However, they also really struggle with needing validation and have a strong desire to be liked. They do so much for others, and they want it to be seen and appreciated. When it isn’t, this can be seen as rejection and will often affect their perceived self-worth.
How to grow
ESFJs have a big desire to please, but it’s important to know you can’t please everyone and that’s okay.
And here’s why it’s okay – Someone else’s approval does not determine your self-worth.
This can be a hard lesson to let sink in. Even if you believe this in your head, every time someone doesn’t like or approve of you, it can really lower your self-esteem.
You crave approval so much that it’s hard for you to be assertive and engage in conflict. You just want to be liked. Of course you do all that you do from the kindness of your heart, but deep down you also feel like your value comes from what you can do for others.
I hope you know that someone’s rejection of you doesn’t mean you are worth any less. You are still a caring, wonderful, helpful person even if not every single person sees that.
Once you accept your own self-worth, then it’ll be easier to be assertive and engage in healthy conflict. You won’t have to be afraid of offending, angering, or hurting someone. If you offend someone and they get mad at you, it’s okay. It doesn’t mean you’re any less likable or valuable.
Digging deeper
ESFJs are the second most common type in the general population, making up 12% (17% of women and 8% of men). It’s such a good thing you have such a common type because communities and families need you.
You have a strong sense of duty and are very practical. You’re a great helper in any setting. You are happy to step in to help out during parties, community events, or do some volunteering. You also feel a personal responsibility to meet people’s needs.
As a child, you sought harmony and deeply craved the approval of your parents/guardians. You’ve always been someone who wants to please others. You have also always been caring and compassionate.
ESFJ children who received too much disapproval or lived in disharmony are more likely to grow up making erratic decisions and being easily swayed by the judgement of others.
As you left childhood, you took more of an interest in the real world rather than your imagination. You would have wanted to explore more of the world around you, including subjects dealing with facts like sciences.
Those who couldn’t explore in this stage of their life later become more judgmental and prone to making stubborn decisions without sufficient evidence. This type needs the space to discover how the world works for themselves.
However you grew up, if you are an ESFJ, you will likely struggle with assertiveness, conflict, and giving and receiving negative feedback.. You would rather avoid conflicts rather than trying to solve it, but only when it comes to a personal relationship. If you ever see someone you care about being taking advantage of, you have no problem being confrontational.
Most of your problems come down to finding your self-worth in other’s approval. It is a challenge for ESFJs to see their value by themselves. They thrive with people and don’t find value internally.
The Human Connection 