Can you relate?
Maria and Liz met while volunteering for an organization that helped save marine wildlife. Maria was one of the coordinators who was good at taking charge and giving everyone their tasks, while also maintaining a genuine friendliness. Liz, one of the more quiet volunteers, was heartbroken about the harm done to marine wildlife and really wanted to be helpful. Anything Maria asked her to do, Liz would gladly do it.
Over the course of volunteering together, Maria and Liz really bonded. Maria, far more quick-paced and always on the go, enjoyed Liz’s calm and thoughtful demeanor. Liz, who wasn’t always good with reaching out or speaking up, enjoyed that Maria introduced her to different people and always tried to include her.
However, throughout their friendship, Maria would get frustrated by how emotional Liz was. Whenever Liz made a mistake, which happened often, Maria found that if she was too direct with her, Liz would get really hurt, which was irritating. She was also stressed out by how often Liz wanted to talk about her feelings.
As for Liz, whenever Maria criticized her, she took it very personal and didn’t always know how to emotionally recover from it. She acknowledged she was making mistakes, but Maria could be very demanding and pushy. It was like she had no regard for her feelings.
What’s going on?
Maria is exhibiting a lot of the traits of an ESTJ (Executive) and Liz has the traits of an ISFJ (Defender).
Executives are natural leaders who really enjoy being supportive of others. They are hard-working, practical, loyal and hold strong values and beliefs around traditions.
Defenders are the helpers of the world. They are humble and hardworking, quiet while enjoying small social circles, and also very supportive.
Together, these two can make a great team and be great friends. They’re the team players that enjoy direct instructions and a set plan before they can get to work. They are both hard-working and supportive, but express it differently. They also both appreciate practical solutions to problems. Together they are loyal and stable friends.
However, the biggest points of conflict for these two types usually involve emotions and feelings. Defenders are highly in touch with their emotions and carry with them great empathy. Executives are notoriously out of touch with their feelings and can be very direct and overbearing. Defenders find connection through sharing more of themselves over time. Executives find connection through shared activities.
How to resolve conflict
These two types are coming from different spectrums when it comes to communication. Executives are direct and logical, while Defenders are passive and emotional.
Executives need to keep in mind that Defenders take things very personal. Direct harsh words are not welcomed. And because Defenders so desire to be liked and accepted, criticism can be seen as a rejection, which is heartbreaking for them.
Defenders should keep in mind that Executives express themselves more rationally. Executives are not good with feelings – expressing them, talking about them, and even often knowing what they’re feeling. Defenders shouldn’t push them to express themselves more, but instead learn to meet them where they’re at. This will also be helpful because Executives are notoriously stubborn and don’t want to be pushed a certain way on anything.
For two types that communicate so differently, it’s important for both to learn to meet in the middle. Executives should be patient and empathetic when listening to a Defender’s feelings. Defender’s should work on being level-headed and rational when communicating with an Executive.
Both are loyal and desire to be supportive, and that’s an important aspect to keep in mind when working on this friendship.
Digging Deeper
Communication
When it comes to Communication Styles, Executives fall under Drivers and Defenders fall under Amiables. Both of these types are on opposite spectrums of communication.
Drivers are direct, like to be in control, are irritated when people’s emotions get in the way of action, and under stress they will pressure and dictate others.
Amiables are easy-going, like to cooperate with others, are irritated by pushy and aggressive behavior, and under stress will accept or submit to what others want.
Executives are the most common Drivers, making up 8.7% of the general population. Defenders are the most common Amiables, and the most common type overall, making up 13.8% of the general population.
What’s interesting about this combination is that since everyone has a secondary Communication style that they lean on, Executives are Driver Amiables and Defenders are Amiable Amiables. Meaning, Defenders are as Amiable as they come. Executives, though primarily Drivers, also have traits of Amiables.
Their similarities involve desiring to be connected, cooperative, and supportive. In other words, these two types have enough in common to produce a good friendship, and may even be a common dynamic.
What to keep in mind
Defenders trust Executives who listen and care about their feelings, making them feel safe and secure. Executives trust Defenders when they are level-headed and give them lots of autonomy.
Defenders are easily stressed by large crowds, harsh criticism, and failing others. Executives are stressed by expressing personal feelings, inconsistent relationships, and unexpected change.
Defenders enjoy life best when they have deeper relationships, time alone, and knowing they are making a positive impact in the world. Executives enjoy life best when they have a routine, spend time with those they love, and inspire action in others.
In friendship
Defenders are warm, supportive, and generous friends. They are also private and take time opening up to others. Friendships with them are likely to happen gradually as they show themselves more and more to those they believe they can trust. They are thoughtful, reliable friends you can often count on.
Defenders long to be liked and accepted so much they will often fear “rocking the boat.” They really fear rejection and having disapproval from their friends. Because of this, they may be reluctant to bring up problems, or even ask for help. They can fall into people-pleasing, lose touch with themselves, and struggle with the ability to make decisions.
Executives are strong and traditional. Their friendships are usually defined by shared activities, and they will be always be the ones to invite you to do something with them. They really want everyone around them to have a good time, and will do what they can to make this happen.
Executives tend to only make friendships with people who share similar values, beliefs, or traditions as them. It is a struggle for them to find common ground with those who constantly disagree with them or whose values are too different. They are very stubborn and struggle to be open-minded to different points of view.
Together this combination can present good opportunities for both. Executives can help Defenders get out of their shell and have many new experiences, which the Defender will be thankful for. Defenders provide a safe, calm place for Executives to kick back and relax once in a while, which the Executive also appreciates.
The Human Connection 
2 responses to “How to Resolve Conflict Between an ISJF & ESTJ Friendship”
Oh wow, my dad is an executive and this is so accurate. Great color scheme by the way 😌
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Oh wow, my dad is an executive and this is so accurate. Great color scheme by the way 😌
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